raised (poem)

when do you raise your hands?
close your eyes first?
must you sway before
you raise those hands?
must you feel before or
after those hands?

how do you learn what
to feel when you whisper
jesus yes yes jesus I want
you only you help me god?

you must learn it
before you close your eyes
if everyone closed first
no one would see
to raise their hands
when we all say jesus
oh yes jesus I’m so sorry

it means we all watched
each other in the dark when
we were alone
like seeing your friend
naked in the locker room
how small he is

or folding your sister’s
underwear wondering
how she feels inside them

or the intimate revelation
of a fart

they told us to imagine
we were all alone just
you and god no one else
but in the raising of the hands
in the yes jesus more please
forgive me jesus
most of all we wanted
to know we weren’t alone
we all learned together
in that fumbled black desire
we kept our eyes open
when they told us not to